august slipped away

reflecting on this summer

It is now the end of summer.

When I left Singapore in May (that seemed like such a long, long time ago!) I had no idea what these 4 months would look like. It was difficult to think about a time completely detached from the house, and also because I’m a busybody, suddenly having so much free time was not easy. Of course, in the ideal life, I had an internship, travelled a little somewhere I’ve never been before, learned how to drive, prepped for university, mastered a new language, wrote a book, and read 100 books.

None of that happened, by the way. Life is not idealistic, after all, and most of the time not that grand, either. I spent the majority of my summer at my dad’s hometown, a little town in East Java, and the rest of the time, I was in Jakarta trying to spend as much time with my friends as I can. It’s not grand, but it’s not bad. I still laughed and read books and discovered new music and ate good food.

My reading list for university came out a couple weeks ago and I spent the weekend getting organised. I finished my Notion setup and felt a rush of good feeling I haven’t felt in awhile; accomplishment and productivity. The exact same one that got me through IB. But it dawned on me that this is the end of summer, too. Days of letting the sun seep through my blinds and going on a picnic on weekdays. Sitting on a bamboo hut on a Sunday morning and speaking a language I’ve slowly gotten a hold of again. Reading Indonesian literature — reading whatever I want. Not touching my Google Calendar for weeks. Extraordinary Attorney Woo ended last week and it hit me on the gut that it also means that 8 weeks have passed without me even blinking an eye, and here we are, at the end of it all.

luci shaw

During my last check in meeting, a question my houseparent asked me was one thing I was struggling with the most at that moment. I had laughed (while half-crying, probably), and said “Do you really need to ask me this?”. Because the answer was so obvious; at that moment, it was leaving Singapore, it was having the entire summer ahead of me, it was worries and concerns and uncertainties about university. But now I pat myself on the head and say; it’s all behind you, now. You didn’t know what these 3 months would’ve looked like, but you faced each of the days bravely anyway. Even if you cried along the way, even if you hated some of the days. You still made it to the next day, and the next, and the next.

This summer feels like it has gone on for too long, and yet at the same time, too short. In the sense that, I can speak Indonesian so effortlessly now, at least compared to when I first arrived, and yet soon I will have to revert back to speaking English fully again. New people have entered my life and made themselves comfortable, and soon I may never see them again. My friendships bloomed like we were never separated, completely forgetting that in less than 3 weeks, I would be thousands of miles away.

nadin amizah

I met a friend on a Monday. I had just arrived in Jakarta at dawn, and she had lectures, but we still agreed to meet anyway, conscious of time. We ate lunch and shared the dessert, and talked for 3 hours, wandered around the bookstores, and talked some more. As if trying to stretch time as much as I could because we don’t know if we would see each other again before I leave. I went to my childhood best friend’s house and hugged her for a long, long time before leaving. The Gojek driver randomly said to me during my ride home; it looked so hard for you to leave that house. I just laughed, but in my heart I wondered if desperation is always transparent even in strangers’ eyes. I have been away from home for 3 years, and yet it was as if all the distance created from those 3 years were closed in merely 3 months.

The summer after high school is now over, and as Taylor Swift infamously says; i can see us lost in a memory - august slipped away into a moment in time. This brief period of time will be lost somewhere as a memory from when I was 18 and unsure where life would take me, a time where it was enough to live for the hope of it all. If you dip your hand in you can feel the soft wind, the melting ice cream, the sound of water. Dig deeper, and there will be laughter. There will be hope.

Naomi Shihab Nye wrote in: “Every day as a wide field, every page”:

We didn’t have to be in the same room—
the great modern magic.
Everywhere together now.
Even scared together now
from all points of the globe
which lessened it somehow.
Hopeful together too, exchanging
winks in the dark, the little lights blinking.
When your hope shrinks
you might feel the hope of
someone far away lifting you up.
Hope is the thing ...
Hope was always the thing!
What else did we give each other
from such distances?

A very important new chapter is starting for me this September. I am excited, but at the same time really anxious and scared. Every time I feel so, I write a letter to a future self. I tell her my fears and my worries. I tell her, I don’t think I can continue to love life, what if I can no longer do so? At the end of August, a future self came to me and pat me on the head and said; silly girl. You will always be a lover of life. After all, you have chosen that path, nothing can steer you off it anymore. Not even life.

My favourite quote from Charles Dickens’ Great Expectations go:

We changed again, and yet again, and it was now too late and too far to go back, and I went on. And the mists had all solemnly risen now, and the world lay spread before me.

It is the closing chapters of summer. There are roughly 4 months left in the year. I am praying they are gentle to you.

May all be well with you,

Ayasha <3